Thoughts about "Prayers For Bobby"

"Before you echo 'Amen' in your home or place of worship, think and remember...a child is listening."

— Mary Griffith

For those of you who don't know, Prayers For Bobby is a Lifetime movie that was released in January of 2009. I won't go into deep detail about the plot (you can follow the above link if you're interested). What I want to discuss is the message of the movie, because I have mixed feelings about it.

I watched the movie with a young friend of ours who's family is conservative christian. He is also black, as is my partner. I tell you this to put the thoughts I'm about to write in context and to give you some idea of where those thoughts are coming from, not to show how cosmopolitan I am for having an interracial relationship or friends.

Earlier in the week, I was speaking to HSCFree from the absolutely wonderful blog "The Well Spoken Negro's Salon" (link in the sidebar). He was mentioning the fact that there is an unspoken "Gay equals White" thing going on in the gay community. I told him that I hadn't found that at all in my experiences.

Free, I owe you an apology.

Going back and doing some thinking, as well as reading and watching of various documentaries and movies, I realize that Free was absolutely correct. I had seen it, had experienced it and it flew right under my radar. That bothers me a little. Now, what brought this on was watching "Prayers for Bobby" with my young black friend (my partner was snoring on the couch, as he does for any movie that doesn't have explosions and excessive violence and a kicking metal soundtrack, but I love him anyway). I immediately identified with the various aspects of the movie, being raised in a christian household, being told I was shameful and sinning, being rejected (not by my mother, but by my father), etc. So I was entranced and absorbed by the skillful acting, if somewhat simplistic and repetitive plot (perhaps Sigourney Weaver thinks about Alien 4 when she cries on cue like that, y'know whaddimean?).

After the movie was over, I turned to my young friend and asked him if he wanted to borrow the dvd to show to his mom. I was only half joking, but the look of sheer horror on his face at my suggestion brought a point to me: he couldn't relate to anything in the movie. At all. Nada. Zip. Nothing.

I know, since he is my partner's best friend, some of his circumstances. His mother knows that he is gay; she has undeniable proof of that. But they don't talk about it. It was forgotten as quickly as it was found and it's never brought up again. He is, for every practical purpose, still very deeply in the closet. There is no discussion, no attempt at understanding, no tears, no condemnation. It just doesn't exist.

Now, there were times in my coming out period that I would almost have preferred the denial to what happened in my case. I say "almost." I don't think I could have stood the silence. At least, with the condemnation and gnashing of teeth, you have visible proof that someone is thinking about the issue. With the silence, there's nothing. And I endured that silence for far too long before I kicked the closet doors open.

So, where are the movies and documentaries and writings that my young friend, or my partner for that matter, to relate to? I know they're out there and Logo did a great service by airing "Noah's Arc" (though I have my own problems with that show), but they're not being shown on Lifetime.

A quick internet search lets me know that those resources are out there. This link will let you see some of the best movies, including the ground breaking film "Tongues Untied," which I saw on PBS many years ago. But they're not the movies that people think of when they think gay. The movies that immediately come to people's minds are all about white men and THEIR problems and THEIR struggles. I realize that we have a long way to go before gays are accepted in this country; I fear that my black and other minority family have even longer to go. If the whole idea of gay equates to white men, where is the diversity and welcome to our family members who are not white men? We, as a community, need to get our shit together and decide if we're going to be inclusive or not. How can we expect the straight community to accept us if we can't do the same for each other.

Now, please don't think that I'm saying that films like "Prayers for Bobby" shouldn't be made; the story is one that needs to be out there, as Mary Griffith turned into a fierce advocate for LGBTQs. But with those stories, I'm sure there is a black or hispanic or asian mother who has done the same thing. Or father, for that matter. Let's get those stories out there so that everyone of us can have something to watch and identify with.